I’ve been binge watching a new TV show and I notice my inner critic is having a field day.
“You could at least watch something educational.”
“You might want to read a book.”
“What about meditation? Where’s that gone?”
But my rebellious teenager is fighting back:
“Give me a fucking break.
I’ve had CoVID.
I’m still tired at night and I don’t want to use my brain.
So, LEAVE ME ALONE!”
She tells me it’s ok to sit around, make hot chocolate and watch hours of How to Get Away with Murder.
She does it.
She has no problem wiling away the hours staring at the walls.
Pondering.
Thinking.
Feeling.
The truth is, I really can’t do much at night lately. It’s been three weeks, and I’m back to the daily rituals of cooking, laundry, dog walks and work, which feels like a minor miracle.
When the big C-bug took me down, I could barely move out of bed the first week. Making breakfast was a heroic effort, much less feeding my dogs and then getting ready to nap. I was lucky to get a sunny week, so I spent languorous hours resting in the warm sundrenched rays stretched between my dogs in the backyard, soaking in vitamin D.
I felt my body relax. I felt my whole being relax.
Something was changing.
Shifting.
I got some information while resting.
I reflected on how hard I work to make things happen.
How much I try to manipulate results – of my work mainly.
I could feel myself starting to let go.
Let go of how I do things.
Let go of my ideas about how to make things happen.
It felt like the creative process in play.
It felt exactly like the process of creating a painting. I know that point where I have to let go into the abyss and settle into the discomfort of not knowing. Rest in the place of trusting some outcome that hasn’t arrived.
Yes, that was it.
Except the creative process was about my life, and the balance of all the parts – my passions, my financial flow, my adventures, my relationships.
I began to ask myself questions like, “What do you REALLY want to do?” “How do you REALLY want to spend your time?”
I’m still in the process. I continue to ask the questions and listen for the answers. I follow intuitive leads and I’m excited about unknown possibilities.
I have no idea how it will all turn out.
I have no idea where and when those magical moments will happen, but I know they will happen. I know I will land in some new paradigm of my life that will last for a while until some other transformational experience comes along.
So, the TV shows – in the end I trust my intuition to choose and to teach me what I need through the characters, the plot or simply the rest from thinking too much.