Is it the right thing to do?
The right time?
How do we ever know?
And who am I to say?
What I do know is that you wander the yard and walk in circles, paw at the dry earth for no reason. I do know that your hind legs fail you often, as though they’re a collapsing accordion and you don’t know if they will hold you up.
I do know that you sit at the top of the stairs in the morning, your bum on the landing with your two front paws on the stair below for minutes at a time. I imagine you wondering if you can make it down the long narrow chute to get to breakfast. One more time. You ponder and pant, your breath heaves as I call to you in my chirpy, encouraging way. “Come on Benji, you can do it.” But it often takes three, sometimes four minutes for you to make the move.
What I do know is that our walks are short, and it takes ten to fifteen minutes to get around just one block, your back stiff and tight. And I do know that you shadow me most days, anxious and panting, and I’m never quite sure what you need or want. Most days you sleep, your body sprawled out in its long, black sinewy way. You no longer hear me when I enter the room, or call you from the kitchen.
I do know that getting in the car is harder now, even with the doggie step Erez made you last year. The car is not much of an option any more to go on any adventures. Though we did make it to the river recently for you to dip your paws and lap up a drink. Perhaps one last time.
You’re an old man now…your time is coming. I feel it. But I can’t help but remember….so many things.
Remember when you were the fastest dog in the park? When you ran like the road runner, your legs scrambled under you so fast that we could barely see them moving. Your only focus was the ball. The ball. The BALL! I remember thinking “that’s going to hurt later in life!”
Remember when I lost you in the woods when you were just a puppy? When you took off after a deer. It was winter, snow piled high, and we were in Riverside State Park, me, alone with Zara. I asked her to track you down. But you were the tracking dog. She was the party dog. But at last, you appeared, panting, out of the blue like you’d had the adventure of your life.
Remember when you learned to swim? How scared you were? How we bought you the life vest and finally we threw you off the deck at Jewel Lake and once you figured out you weren’t going to drown (especially with the vest on) you took to the water like a duck. You swam as hard and fast for the ball in the water as you ran for it on the ground!
Remember all the tug of war with Erez? How you two wrestled on the dining room floor for the red tug of war toy made by KONG. You were so tough you gave Erez a good workout every time.
Remember the endless winter nights of keep away with the ball in our dining room. Zara perched on the couch, waiting her turn, you running back and forth between me and Erez to catch the ball. Sometimes you’d shoot up into the air like a geyser and snatch it out of the air before it reached either of us.
And then there were the heating vents you were terrified of. The cat, Jupi, who scared you to practically shake in your skin. I remember how you’d look away to say, “please, leave me alone, I won’t hurt you.” And yet you could have killed him with one snap.
I could go on my precious one. You’ve been my teacher, my friend, my snuggle buddy, my joy for 13 good solid years. I will miss you beyond measure…
And yet it feels like time.
I see it.
Erez sees it.
You’re tired.
You can rest my love.
You’ve lived a great life!
